Welcome back, friend. I just got done with putting my computer into a new case; the Fractal Designs Pop Silent XL, and I'm pleasantly surprised with how it looks.
Cable management aside; it's likely my cleanest job to date! /endtangent/
That being said; I'd really like to talk about stress.
In 2023, people just are stressed. I don't know a single person who isn't dealing with some crazy amount of stress these days.
Money, work, anything really. My parents and grandparents talk about how it was never like this; how it was way less stressful just to exist back when they were my age (28).
With a rise in stress comes a rise in burnout; working yourself to the point of just no longer wanting to be there; no longer wanting to keep doing what we're doing.
My curse is that I'm a bit of a workaholic; I tend to work and work and work and while I don't burnout quick, I burnout HARD.
My boss and my friends constantly are telling me to take breaks, and to not push myself too hard; often times trying to remove stuff from my plate to make things easier.
And while it makes sense from the outside looking in, in the moment it just feels insulting. Sorta like a "I don't trust you to handle this by yourself."
I know it's silly. I know it makes no sense and I really shouldn't be bothered by it; after all, these are my peers and most trusted comrades looking out for me. They're worried I'll overdo it.
It's not completely unfounded. I've definitely done some boneheaded stuff and pushed myself too far; it's how I've got some lingering health problems that continue to effect me daily. Not proud of it.
But in that worry; there's love and I feel that love--it makes me feel almost unappreciative when I try to tell people to stop worrying. I care that they care and that feels nice.
I'd argue that I have regrets that a lot of people wouldn't have. I've got regrets of not thanking people enough, not making people know that, yes, I did notice the thing that you've done for me.
Even if I'm not explicitly saying it. The person who suffers most of all because of this is my wife. She does so much for me, and I rely on her daily to keep me level-headed. She's my rock.
And while I don't think I'm a bad husband, I feel like she may feel unappreciated because of my ADHD--because of my impulsiveness and my want to move from one thing to the next.
I regret my friends not knowing how much I care, because I'm incapable of eloquently describing what they mean to me daily.
My BEST friend, Ryan, is someone, whom very early on I was very clear about--even after meeting him a couple of times, I really appreciated who he was and offered myself should he ever need anything.
He never does; save for the odd favor and request. But he's the first person I go to with a lot of the stuff that is important to me. That's my best friend.
My other best friend, Kyle, who no doubt is looking at this page, I feel like I can't talk about how much I appreciate he helps me daily.
I worry that my constant state of paranoia really bothers these guys. If it really bothered them, they'd tell me...
but there's still the little nagging voice in the back of my mind that says they're just being polite to be polite.
At any rate, my guys, if you're reading this; you are what makes me 'me'. Learning with ya'll, growing from the knowledge you give me--that's really what makes me the knowledgable and "smart" person I am.
I suppose in that way, there is a bit of imposter syndrome. I'm not actually smart, I'm just borrowing ideas that have been lent to me through time. Then again, what is learning if not that?
Chelsea, I love you and appreciate you more than you can ever know, and I regret not making that more clear.
Sorry for the long-winded and mostly scatterbrained rant. This sort of stuff helps.
At any rate, we're past the halfway point of the week. Next up: Thursday. Destination: Future. For everything else: MasterCard.
- Zed